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Discovering your child is gifted is often like the first domino to fall. A series of events are set in motion and life changes from one moment to the next into a quest, an obstacle course, a war of attrition and a rollercoaster all at the same time. During the interviews we did for the analysis of the giftedness chain in the Tilburg region and for the book on the state of education that Kim is working on, it became crystal clear how complex and confrontational parenting a gifted child can be. Especially when your gifted child is a mirror for you.
In this article we share the most important insights and challenges surrounding parenting gifted children, but we also give you tips on how you can keep things manageable and take care of yourself and your own development creating a two-way street. Learning to live with your own giftedness becomes more of a blessing for yourself, but also for your child(ren).
a word in advance
We have been working together for many years and for a number of years now also explicitly on the subject of giftedness. We are both gifted ourselves and parents of gifted children. With all the challenges that come with it. We originally joined forces around organizational change, focusing on culture, collaboration and leadership. We look at people and organizations with an evolutionary perspective and increasingly see that existing systems have come to the end of their life cycle. Gifted people in particular can form the vanguard of much-needed fundamental innovation, but we will have to cherish and empower them. And give them room and opportunity. That is where our knowledge, skills and motivation come together.
We published twice before on the occasion of Giftedness Week. In 2020, Dirk Anton wrote about what it is like to be gifted in 'Highly gifted, a curse and a blessing'. In 2021, Kim wrote about the gifted homeschooler in 'Smart but not at school'. This year we are writing together about parenting gifted children and what can happen to you when that first domino falls. We deliberately write 'can', because in about a quarter to half of the cases the gifted child does well in all respects. But when that is not the case, the impact can be great. This blog was originally written in Dutch and can be found here.
THE CONFIRMATION: YOUR CHILD IS GIFTED
When you are told that your child is gifted, it is an end point and a starting point at the same time. The search 'for what is going on with my child' ends and another begins. We know from experience that the label of giftedness does not always mean that everything will change for your child. It is possible, but that also depends on why the school or you yourself wanted testing in the first place. Giftedness means a lot more than a high IQ. That soon becomes apparent. Many parents do their own research, inventing the wheel for themselves so to speak. Little is widely known and the level of knowledge about giftedness at schools varies enormously.
Because the reason for testing is often that 'something is not going well', most parents are very focused on finding solutions. Internet and Facebook groups are visited, books are read. And it often rains déjà vu’s for the parents. Their own educational past or struggles at work suddenly appear in a different perspective. And this starts a complex process: examining yourself and your own experiences and at the same time a search for how you can offer the best support to your child. We will first discuss the consequences of having one or more gifted children, after which we will also give some pieces of advice that can help.
INTENSIVE PARENTING
Giftedness doesn't stop at school. Raising a gifted child requires a lot of you. James T. Webb says, “Being a parent of a gifted child can be demanding, even exhausting at times, and it is a lot more difficult today than in the past.”[1]
Many parents long for the recognition that raising gifted children can really be a challenge. We have regularly heard parents sigh: “All that parenting advice from the environment, from friends to the well-known television programs and popular parenting books: they really don't work for our children.”
A Parent’s Guide to Gifted Children - J.T. Webb et al, 2020.
Raising a gifted child can be rocket science and mental martial arts at the same time. Especially when there are other impacting factors such as divorce, blended families or chronic illnesses. There are often more children in a family and they also deserve attention from their parents. If these children are also gifted or twice exceptional, the situation becomes even more complex and challenging. Being seen and recognized in this as parents is important. Understanding this on the part of external parties such as school but also others involved makes it easier to achieve a good partnership.
Getting support when raising gifted children is therefore not an unnecessary luxury. An approach that works well for the average child can be counterproductive for gifted children. Consider, for example, the widely used system of punishment and reward or PBS (Positive Behavior Support). This certainly applies to the twice exceptional children.[2] You will then have to choose a different, trauma-sensitive approach, such as an emotionally coaching upbringing or non-violent communication, and preferably together with teachers, so that the approach at home and at school is the same.
Supporting parents also means relieving parents of their worries. They already have so much on their plate that they should not be burdened with the financial consequences of getting the right support.
“A child is part of the family and if things don’t go well, it affects the entire family. Parents can benefit a lot from school when they are heard and understood about what it is like to have a gifted child. That recognition is very important.”
A gifted child can mess up everything in your life. What 'grand' plans you have, but also simply your daily activities. Many parents work less, or even one of the partners quits their job in order to be there for their child full-time. This can become necessary when your gifted child drops out of school. The increasing challenges at home can put a strain on relationships. Especially when, as a parent, you are also thinking about your own youth and you realize what you might have missed because of your giftedness or what trauma you have suffered as a consequence. There is also the impact on brothers or sisters, who are in danger of not being seen enough.
“So much happens in one day and you are also permanently involved in psychoeducation. The intensity is always there.”
What we have encountered several situations where parents became overloaded. Parenting a gifted child is sometimes very challenging. We also see cycles: your child gets stuck, is having a hard time and you start providing 200% support to keep your child afloat, seeking help, always exploring new possibilities, and that takes its toll. When you’ve regained some strength, your child get’s stuck again at another point and the cycle starts again.
But not only that. If you rely on a so-called PGB (a personal support budget), you have to consult with the MDO (multidisciplinary meetings): all this also takes the necessary time and energy. There are days when you have a day job in this apart from you actual job! Taking care of yourself, your own needs: that is not an option when there’s a crisis.
We see a clear parallel in what people experience when they are informal caregivers or mantelzorgers. If your child goes to school but always comes home tired, you run the risk of putting all your energy into cheering your child up at the end of a school day. This repeats itself the next day. On the weekend you are tired and empty. That pattern consumes energy.
standing up for your child
Do you have another choice? We don't think so. You keep going on for your child. And your child relies on you. If you are no longer your child's advocate, who will be?
“As parents, we are alone in this. No one understood us. You’re really on your own. For the professional, no matter how kind and committed, it is ultimately just work. For us it is our life.”
This can make you feel unseen and undervalued. Parents usually know more about giftedness than many experts. Especially if you are gifted yourself, you will keep digging until you know more and more. No specialized vocational education can compete with that. In addition, parents generally know their child best. Better than any system professional. During conversations you often quickly notice that your acquired expertise or insights about your child are not always appreciated. Parents are regularly seen as difficult, even though they simply stand up for their child.
“You can know all there is know about giftedness and still not understand any of it.”
It is often thought within school that teachers or other educational professionals such as internal supervisors or hb specialists are the professionals. Parents can quickly feel like they’re a ‘problem parent’. Especially the highly sensitive are prone to that. He or she senses perfectly that you are 'difficult' for the professional. And the professionals may have the view that they should know or know best, which means they are not (sufficiently) open to your input.
Mark Weghorst, changemaker at the Dutch Center for Youth Health, wrote a striking blog for the educational sector on this subject in 2017 with the title 'Need a solution? Create them with parents!': “The key question is whether you can keep parents out of the picture as a professional. Whether it is professional not to involve parents in your solutions.”
Research[3] shows that not listening to and cooperating with parents, or not listening enough, can stand in the way of appropriate education. While we know from the many conversations we have had that cooperation between schools and parents can contribute enormously to making the right adjustments.
your child as a mirror
A completely different challenge of having a gifted child is that you might have gotten a 24/7 mirror in your home just like that. Not infrequently, having a gifted child is the trigger to realize that you are gifted yourself. Thanks to your gifted child, many pieces of information are revealed about your own past, as we have already mentioned. Your biography can suddenly appear in a completely different light, which has a major impact. Many gifted adults come to see what they have had to endure and what the lack of good guidance has cost them in terms of opportunities, development, years of life and pure happiness. This requires processing and going through a grieving process.
“A complete reliving of my own lonely childhood.”
But it goes even further than that. Your child may also have the same character traits as you. That can be a lot of fun and cause a lot of hilarity, but it can just as often be very confrontational or intense. You can't ignore yourself and your children. Most gifted people have a high level of awareness and often have a head that keeps ruminating. This means examining incidents over and over again, thinking about them and looking at them from all sides.
three recommendations that can help
1. Getting professional support regarding one's own giftedness is not only in the interest of the parent. When parents recognize many of their child's experiences, this can easily lead to over-involvement through projection of their own experiences. It is good to be involved, but it is in the child's interest to separate your own life and the processing of the discovery of being gifted from that of your child. [4] James T. Webb, one of our favorite authors, writes:
It probably will come as no surprise that many parents of gifted children are also intellectually and creatively gifted themselves. […] Just like with gifted children, your passion, idealism, high quality standards, perfectionism and drive for action can work to your advantage, but can sometimes also get you into trouble. Chances are you've had some pleasant and not-so-pleasant experiences that have stemmed in some way from those character traits. [5]
Supporting parents in their giftedness can also help find 'the' solution for the gifted child in question.
2. Taking good care of yourself. The well-being of other family members is sometimes overlooked when the gifted child gets into trouble. The focus is on the child. That's what it's all about. Understandable, but not healthy nor balanced.
When your gifted child gets into trouble, you as a parent can get fully absorbed in it. Your world becomes smaller and smaller and revolves more and more around your child's problems, causing other social relationships to shift into the background. You also get the impression that you are the only one dealing with this.
Just as your child is a mirror to you, your example is the most important mirror to your child. Taking care of yourself is undoubtedly crucial in taking good care of your child. Gifted children in particular are sensitive to raising by example.
“We want our children to be able to handle life themselves and pursue their dreams. That they are happy about themselves and their life. And then we can finally let go.”
Sacrificing your own happiness is never a good example. Finding a mature middle ground is best for all parties. Yes, compromises will have to be made, but that’s inevitable.
3. Join a like-minded parent support group. Parents of gifted children all to often feel alienated and alone. Parenting a gifted child can become a lonely existence. Then it becomes very important to know that you are not alone in this. Parents of gifted individuals experience enormous relief when they finally meet other parents with whom they can share parenting experiences and practical solutions.[6] Finding the right support for your children is also essential and can provide the necessary relief. Often, a good care provider also offers relief for yourself in your role as a parent.
“We look for people who really understand our situation and with whom we click. Whether at school or at the sports club of our children. That brings us relief and then we’re better able to relax.”
Postscript
The report we wrote for the Tilburg region has given many parents recognition and insight into their situation. From the many emails and DM’s we’ve learned that parents feel understood. Finally. We also hear this in the conversations we have with gifted adults in our work, when the parent role is discussed. All in all, this is why we wanted to write an article with the parents' perspective at its core.
Would you like to read more? Send us an email and we can send you the report containing many more literature tips and the necessary in-depth and respect for giftedness and education. It’s also available in English (automated translation).
March 2022, Dirk Anton van Mulligen and Kim Castenmiller
© Dirk Anton van Mulligen MSc and Kim Castenmiller MSc
These blogs might interest you as well:
[1] A Parent’s Guide to Gifted Children, J.T. Webb et al., 2020, p. 230.
[2] How Incentive Systems Can Backfire with Gifted and 2e Kids, J.F. Skolnick, 2016. 2018.
[3] Impuls thuiszittersaanpak: Onderzoek naar het verhaal achter de cijfers en de ambities van het thuiszitterspact, Lubberman et al., 2019.
[4] Webb et al. (2020), p. 245
[5] Webb et al. (2020), p. 244-245
[6] https://www.sengifted.org/post/what-i-ve-learned-from-parents-of-gifted-children